He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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