This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
