I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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