I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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