Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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