I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
