I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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