Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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