i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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