Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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