Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
