So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
