you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
