i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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