It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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