Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
