So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
