So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
