Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
