I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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