Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
