You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
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