I will die if light touches me.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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