I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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