the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
