my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
