god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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