the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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