I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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