There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have started to decorate penises.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize