I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
