Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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