My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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