you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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