Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
