Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
