If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
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brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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