the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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