Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
