i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
