I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
