this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
