My first STD was from a foam party
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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