I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
