I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
