Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am available for nakedness
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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