You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
