sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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