At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Alive.
So much puke
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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