i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
