I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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