Swine flu. Run for my life!
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
