Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
