theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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