Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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