He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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