I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
